Have you ever experienced that sometimes, at first glance, a reasonably clean wall turns out to be completely dirty when you start to clean one small stain and only then do you see the contrast and finally have to wash the entire wall?
When I decided to take a Sabbatical to travel the world 11 years ago, my main motivation was to try out how I would cope living and travelling alone, far from home, in a foreign culture. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. When one of my friends asked during the farewell party if I was going to search for myself, I replied that I have everything in place and don´t need to search for myself; I´m already happy. I still remember well what I meant by that – I had created a mediocre life for myself that was acceptable by external standards – I had a career in a prestigious company (which I quit), my own cosy home, a car, holidays abroad, friends, a grown-up daughter, I was not burdened with a cosmically big bank loan.
The thoughts that my inner cosmos needs to be discovered did not occur to me in this form. The ego-filled answer that I don’t need to search anything, that I have everything in place, makes me laugh even now. Of course, I left to rediscover myself, only my ego didn’t know it yet, but intuition had whispered in my ear loud enough so I started moving towards it. Not knowing I needed it, desperately.
The thing about searching for yourself, or rather re-discovering yourself, is that when you start to scratch the edge somewhere, it happens like with the wall I mentioned at the beginning of the story…
You think you’re exploring a little, but after the first manoeuvre, you will see some dirt you weren’t aware of at first glance, that exists when the wall was evenly covered with it. At this moment, it is possible to choose whether to ignore the fact that there is one bright spot in the middle of the grey shade or wash the entire wall completely clean or if we talk about the path of self-discovery, then become familiar with our dark sides, those particles that we have not wanted or dared to see in ourselves.
On the path of self-discovery, we experience setbacks, we experience moments when the ego tries to trap us again, we blame our loved ones for our wounds and traumas until we come to the point that everything, absolutely everything, is our own creation, our own reflection. If we want to see and accept this, then real healing can happen and only then we can experience true abundance and love in our lives.