Why Do We So Often Put Ourselves Last?
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be there for others, yet how difficult it can be to make time for yourself?
You answer a friend’s call because you know they need you. You help a colleague, even though you already have plenty on your plate. You take on another task because someone has to do it. You say it’s fine, even when something has actually upset you. You put your own wishes and needs aside because now simply isn’t the right time.
And so it goes, day after day.
You manage. Others can count on you. You are the person who finds a solution, even when things get complicated.
But when do you get to yourself?
Not just to the things that need to be done, but to yourself, genuinely. To what you feel, what you need, and what you want.
When Did We Learn That Other People’s Needs Matter More Than Our Own?
We are not born believing that we must put our own needs aside to be loved.
These beliefs often develop gradually, as we move through life.
Perhaps you received more praise as a child when you were well-behaved, capable, and didn’t cause problems. Perhaps you learned early on to sense other people’s moods and adjust your behaviour accordingly. Maybe you felt you had to be strong because there was no one around whom you could truly lean on.
Or perhaps you grew up in an environment where caring for others was considered a virtue, while talking about your own needs was seen as selfish.
We learn to adapt. We learn which behaviours earn approval, which help us avoid conflict, and which make us feel needed by others.
Over time, these ways of adapting can become automatic patterns.
We may no longer consciously decide to put our own wishes aside. We simply do it. We say yes before we have time to consider whether we actually want to. We smile when we feel disappointed. We care for others without asking ourselves whether we have enough energy left for ourselves.
And sometimes, we no longer know where a genuine desire to help ends and the fear of disappointing someone begins.
“I Can Handle It Myself” — Is It Always a Sign of Strength?
Independence and a sense of responsibility are valuable qualities. The problem isn’t that we know how to manage on our own or care for others.
The question is whether we have other options, too.
Can we ask for help? Can we say no without feeling guilty? Can we admit that we are tired, that something hurts, or that we no longer want to continue doing everything the same way?
Sometimes, constantly managing everything ourselves can also be a way of avoiding vulnerability. If I do everything myself, I don’t have to risk someone letting me down. If I don’t ask for anything, I don’t have to face rejection. If I am always there for others, perhaps I can trust that they will need me and care for me in return.
These may not be conscious thoughts. Often, they are deeper beliefs we have never really questioned.
In this way, a quality we have been proud of for years can quietly become a burden.
We are capable, but we don’t know how to rest. We care for others, but struggle to care for ourselves in the same way. We long for closeness, yet find it difficult to express our real needs.
And at some point, we may discover that we have managed to take care of everything, yet somehow drifted far away from ourselves.
Why Is It Sometimes So Difficult to Choose Ourselves?
One reason may be guilt.
If you are used to being the person who helps, organises, and accommodates others, putting your own needs first can feel almost wrong. Even when you are exhausted and need rest, a voice in your head may tell you that there is still something you should be doing.
Perhaps you are afraid someone will be disappointed in you. That you will be seen as selfish. That if you stop going along with everything, other people’s attitudes towards you might change.
That is why choosing yourself isn’t always simply a matter of finding time. It may require a willingness to tolerate the discomfort that arises when you stop behaving in the familiar way.
You can say no and still feel guilty. You can ask for help and feel uncomfortable. You can take an evening off and discover that instead of resting, you are constantly thinking about everything else you could be doing.
This doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. It may simply mean you are practising something that doesn’t yet come naturally to you.
Change doesn’t always begin with immediately behaving differently. Sometimes it begins when we notice our automatic reactions and realise that they are no longer our only possible choices.
Listening to Your Own Needs Doesn’t Mean Abandoning Others
There is an important distinction here.
Choosing yourself doesn’t mean becoming uncaring, giving up on helping others, or living only for yourself. Nor does it mean that your wishes must always take priority over everyone else’s.
It means recognising that you, too, are someone whose needs deserve attention.
Your tiredness matters. Your boundaries matter. Your joy and desires matter. What you want from your life deserves space, too.
In a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to constantly make yourself smaller to keep someone else comfortable. Closeness shouldn’t require you to give up your voice. Caring for others shouldn’t mean exhausting yourself in the process.
And perhaps most importantly, you don’t have to earn the right to have needs by first proving that you have been good enough.
You can rest even when everything isn’t finished. You can want something even when someone else wants something different. You can change your mind, ask for help, and admit that you don’t have all the answers.
You can still be worthy when you are not giving anything to anyone or achieving anything at all.
How Long Can We Keep Living This Way?
Constantly putting our own needs last is not just an individual concern. The broader picture of working life in Estonia also highlights the importance of paying attention to excessive workloads and mental health.
According to the Estonian Labour Inspectorate’s 2024 annual report, €844,870 was paid in sickness benefits related to burnout in Estonia that year. In 2023, the corresponding amount was €365,691. This represents an increase of approximately 2.3 times in one year.
The figures refer to benefit payments, not the total number of people diagnosed with burnout.
The Estonian Labour Inspectorate’s 2025 annual report also highlights how long working hours, insufficient rest, and heavy workloads affect people’s health and increase the risk of exhaustion and health problems. The report also describes situations in which employees are reluctant to speak up about problems.
Sources:
These figures do not tell us how many people in Estonia experience burnout overall, but they give us reason to take excessive strain seriously.
We are used to thinking that a strong person keeps going. That when things get difficult, we simply need to push a little harder. That we will rest when everything that needs to be done is finally finished.
But will everything ever truly be finished?
When we continually postpone rest, our own wishes, closeness, and time for ourselves, we may eventually lose touch with what we actually need.
We don’t have to wait until we can no longer cope to take our wellbeing seriously. We don’t have to reach burnout before acknowledging that the way we are living may no longer be supporting us.
Sometimes, change begins much earlier. It begins the moment we dare to ask ourselves: Am I living in a way that supports me, too?
How Can We Begin to Notice Ourselves Again?
You don’t have to start with big decisions or turn your life upside down. Perhaps, to begin with, it is enough to notice the moments when you put yourself aside.
The next time someone asks you for something, pause for a moment before answering. Ask yourself whether you genuinely want to do it or whether you feel you have to.
When you are tired, don’t ask only how you can keep going a little longer. Ask yourself what you need right now.
When you notice yourself automatically saying, “It’s fine,” even though something is bothering you, try at least to acknowledge honestly to yourself what you are feeling.
And when you discover that you have put yourself last again, don’t start criticising yourself for it. You don’t need to become yet another person whose expectations you have to meet.
Instead, try exploring what was happening inside you at that moment, with curiosity rather than judgement.
Were you afraid of someone’s reaction? Did you feel that your needs weren’t important enough? Was it easier to agree than to explain what you really wanted?
These questions are not meant to make you blame yourself. They can help you understand why you behave the way you do. And understanding creates the possibility of making different choices in the future.
But What Do You Really Want?
Perhaps you have spent so long focusing on what needs to be done, what others need, and how to manage everything that this question feels almost unfamiliar.
What do you want?
Not what seems sensible to want. Not what others expect of you. Not what fits your current life or the role you have become accustomed to playing.
But what is genuinely yours.
What do you miss? What gives you energy? When do you feel free? What have you been putting off because there has always been something more important?
You don’t need to have immediate answers to these questions. Sometimes, we simply need the space to ask them in the first place.
Perhaps you don’t need to become better, stronger, or more capable. Perhaps you need to learn to listen to the part of yourself that has been overshadowed by other people’s needs, obligations, and expectations.
Because life doesn’t have to consist solely of getting things done and keeping everything together.
There can also be lightness, joy, closeness, pleasure, and the feeling that you don’t always have to be someone other than who you truly are.
Perhaps finding your way back to yourself begins with one simple but important decision:
I will no longer automatically leave myself until last.
Not because other people don’t matter, but because I matter, too.
If You Feel It’s Time to Find Your Way Back to Yourself
Sometimes, a single moment of recognition is enough to help us begin seeing our patterns differently. At other times, we feel ready to go deeper — to understand ourselves better, reconnect with our bodies and emotions, and learn to live in a way that feels more authentic to who we are.
If this speaks to you, you can learn more about the 1:1 journey here
May you find the warmth and courage to make space for yourself.
Andra Alamela